I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
