Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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