this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
