i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
A+ Viking dick
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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