Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
