I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
