see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
