she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
