At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
