Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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