Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
