pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
