he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
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