She is in my trunk
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Randomize
