I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
