So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Randomize
