The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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