You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
