Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
