the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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