I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
