I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i wish my penis had a tongue
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
