i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
