dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
