her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Randomize
