So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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