Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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