You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
