as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
They have beer where we have blood.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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