Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
