First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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