I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
