trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
