The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
