I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
God gave him joint rollers for hands
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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