You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
you had me at cake vodka
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
not ubering you a puppy
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
