Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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