My liver just broke up with me...
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
