My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
