we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
