just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
