So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
