My liver just broke up with me...
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I've blown a few things in my day
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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