it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
