you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
