Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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