I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
