My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
