you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
