I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
